My son couldn’t latch.

When he was born we spent four days in the hospital because we “didn’t have a feeding plan”.

We did have a feeding plan: feed the baby.

However, because I let slip to a nurse that I wanted to try to breastfeed, I needed to be a successful breastfeeder in order for them to let us leave. Jack struggled to latch and feed the whole time we were in the hospital, so we ended up with a mix of pumping, a nipple shield and formula feeding in order to get the hell home.

I felt like a failure. Was it me? Were we not connecting? Did he hate my boobs? I cried every day trying to get him to latch, then again when I had to pump, then again when someone else had to bottle feed him while I did so.

It was not until my first trip to the mom- baby clinic that someone looked into his mouth. This nurse was my favourite human on earth. She said “oh he’s not latching? Maybe he has a tongue or liptie.” She was the first person to say that it was a medical issue, and it was not my fault.

This got me thinking about how many mothers there must be, who don’t get a nurse who knew to look in their babies’ mouths. Women who don’t have someone tell them that it’s not their fault. Women who continue on, feeling like failures, when something so simple could make them feel so much better about being a new mom.

Why don’t they do this in the hospital?

Why don’t they tell us to look for this in prenatal classes?

Why isn’t it in the books?

I have no answer for this- I only know that I desperately tell everyone I know this story- and I hope that new moms read this and tell other moms. If I can help one mom feel better about the crazy challenge that is feeding their baby, then it is worth it.

How do they do what they do? Babies I mean… they learn about the entire universe in less time than it will take me to figure out how to blog. Language? Fine motor skills? Their likes and dislikes? What a fork is for? How to manipulate our mothers into later bedtime using her love of stories? Check and check.

I’ve had the pleasure of observing Jack for 15 months now, and he never ceases to amaze me. He learns the intricacies of communication through imitation of the people around him (get the swear jar ready) and we are absolutely terrified.

So. Much. Pressure.

He is always watching Chris and I. Always looking at our faces, always watching our reactions to things that he does. So every time he falls, he looks to us to see how bad it is. Big reaction-big cry, no reaction- he barely registers the fall.

He is like a tiny computer- processing everything that he sees and storing it for use in a similar situation. It’s truly amazing. to see the little wheels turning in his head.

The books took him about two days to figure out: stories before bed prolong bedtime, so more stories=later bedtime.

Suddenly- my little boy, who hates cuddling, snuggling and sitting still in general- is going to the shelf to get book after book to cuddle and read.

And honestly, he’s got me pegged. I’d read him a thousand stories a hundred times if it meant that I got to cuddle him 🖤

Here we are- Jack is having a screaming fit in the middle of walmart- we’re talking full meltdown, no tears, pure rage. And I am absolutely mortified.

What if someone asks me why my child is screaming at the top of his lungs?

Will they believe my answer? “He wanted out of the cart so I took him out of the cart and now he’s hitting his head on the floor screaming bloody murder?”

It defies logic.

But instead: I got no questions, I got no comments, what I did get was looks of sympathy and most importantly: silence.

I didn’t need help, I didn’t need advice, I needed to pretend like I was very serenely shopping with my screaming toddler. Nothing to see here folks!

I spend a lot of my time worrying about how I make others feel. I am always concerned that I will make others anxious with my parenting style, and so it made me feel empowered to just let my kid scream in Walmart.

SO, if you ever see a poor struggling mom, with a screaming kid in a store, give them the greatest gift of all: your understanding. They might be mortified, they might be fine, they also might be a second away from screaming themselves.

Please 🙏 just don’t judge them for choosing to deal with it in their own way.

Does anyone ever catch themselves feeling absolutely miserable with their child every now and then? This week has felt very long. We have had tantrums, a lovely new trick where Jack bangs his head on things, and head butting introduced this week and frankly, I’m exhausted. Then all of the sudden- he tipped his head back in the swing, and I saw the reason. One shiny new tooth.

Cue Mom guilt!

I know, like many other rational humans, that it is human nature to feel frustrated and tired sometimes. But the irrational mom part of me feels absolutely terrible! Teeth are painful and uncomfortable- and imagine how you would feel if a giant piece of bone shoved its way into your mouth!

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There’s no right answer to this feeling, and there’s no way to force myself to feel more patient for next time, or to be more kind to myself when I do feel fed up. I just thought that I would put out some mom-realness into the internet.

My words of encouragement are only this: I feel this way, which means others must too. We all love our babies, we all feel fed up and frustrated, we all wish that we remembered to put the clothes from the washer to the dryer…

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Hi! I’ve never been the type to blog, or write, or try at anything particularly hard, but I’ve started following Mom blogs and social media influencers lately. The thing that I’ve learned from this is that moms everywhere need relatable, realistic and reassuring content. SO- let’s try that?

Some stuff about me. I am a mom in a lot of different ways

I started my mom journey by being the friend who carried bandaids in her purse. I was the one who patted hair when friends were puking and I was always the one who suggested a “water round” (while totally ignoring that advice for myself

Then- like so many responsible and clueless 20 year olds, I decided to become a dog mom. I thought that this would prepare me for the challenges of “real” motherhood. My baby Ted was everything that a child is not- easily trained, easily socialized, reasonably quiet and mild.

On May 8th 2019, my son was born. In the last 15 months, my eyes have been open to many realities of motherhood. Mom culture has surprised me in many ways. Mom guilt, “default parenting”, postpartum anxiety and of course the love and joy and million other emotions that I experience daily.

I’m also a high school teacher- so another form of parenting, which I will try to write about, for better or worse.